Bonnie Recovery

Long Road

I have not posted here for a couple of months.  I am finding "recovery" a long road, indeed. 

These months we have been up and down and challenged.  

I / we are Up when we see the Grandkids and enjoy the beach and can focus on researching and writing our book.  I loved seeing my grandson Jackson and daughter Debrah on my quick trip to Boston last month.

I / we are Down when Bonnie's health slides and Bonnie falls down and hurts herself.  

Bonnie has been spending more time in her wheelchair after she threw out her back out a couple or three times.  The amounts of Prednisone she has been taking for years to ward off Graft vs. Host Disease in her mouth and eyes etc., coupled with any reduction in her exercise, caused her to lose strength in her legs. 

Bonnie's ability to balance on her tiny feet is compromised and having a lack of strength causes her to fall with increasing frequency.  I was here for a fall to the hardwood floors in living room, which shocked grandkids, as an ice cream bowl crashed and Bonnie was not able to get up.  I helped Bonnie up from a fall down a curb, and had to help her from a nasty fall in our bathtub.  This fall left Bonnie with more big bruises.  Who knows what other falls I do not know about?  Bonnie is determined, proud and Lone Star state independent.  

Both Bonnie and I go Down when Bonnie has more than one infection.  Infections with a compromised immune system are a dangerous, as this is the most common way such folks die.  Bonnie is rarely infection free, so this is an everyday danger.  Bonnie seems to cope with this state of affairs. 

But the everyday-ness of Bonnie's infections does NOT allow my nervous system to relax.  20 months ago, Bonnie knew she had 2 infections, but did not call the doctors for treatment.  Instead she went to work on the Obama election campaign.  The next day, she fell and cracked her head and in the trauma her heart stopped.  We were suddenly veering precipitously close to  death. 

When Bonnie's health dwindles, no amount of psychiatry, or mental exercises reduces my growing sense of vigilance and need to take corrective action.   On the other hand, we have agreed that I will allow Bonnie to manage her own health, now that she can. 

The tension arises when my "caregiver" role gets called upon with increasing frequency, and I see Bonnie having more and more difficulty with the simple things in everyday living.  I suffer as I watch her struggle and plead with Bonnie to see her doctors when she first gets sick.

In the last few weeks, it has not been as easy as usual for me to do the lifting and carrying around here.  My chronic low back condition went acute a couple of months ago.  My chiropractor and physical therapist have been treating my back spasms and a misaligned right hip joint for weeks.  Each condition seems to compound the other.

I am not to sit for more than 30 minutes.  Driving in the car hurts.  I am supposed to have ice packs on my back for as much of the day as I can manage.  After weeks of physical therapy and adjustments my hip is now working such that I can walk without a limp or significant pain.   My muscle spasms have mostly subsided.  Ice has become my best friend. 

Monday Bonnie finally went to see her local oncologist / hematologist after 3 or 4 weeks of dwindling health.  He mentioned that he was surprised to see the decline in her health.

Bonnie had a 1.5 pages of symptoms and health issues to review with him.  She left with new prescriptions for a bladder infection she has had for 3 or 4 weeks and the names of 3 or 4 doctors she is to see ASAP. 

In the meantime,

Spring has sprung and the beach is beautiful.  Life is good. 

/Daniel for BanD

Rising and Falling

Living at the ocean one would expect that we are aligned with the endless rhythm of waves rising and falling; sunshine and violent storms.  But no.  Somewhere in my Buddhist training I did not get unhooked from a life where suffering comes in the bundle.  

Bonnie's visits to her doctors and her antibiotics have borne fruit.  Her skin  has more color and she has more reserves, which she liberally runs down to empty every day with her writing, cooking, church going, and preparations for a retreat she is leading this weekend. 

We both went to an appointment with a nutritionist on Monday and were feeling good that we have the beginnings of dietary and exercise plans. 

Then Bonnie fell in her office, hitting the hardwood floors.  She cleverly curled her body to protect her head from hitting the cherry murphy bed she was hurtling toward.  I was awakened by the crash and thud that I could hear and feel.  I raced to help Bonnie and calmly helped her assess her body, clean up the tea and papers.  I helped her to her feet when she was good and ready to get up. 

I have a strange reactions to emergencies.  When a real crash occurs, I get very calm.  I work in slow motion.  I get quiet and do only what is necessary.  On the other hand, when clouds of danger are forming, when conditions are worsening, I get anxious and active.  I am as vocal and pushy as I need to be to get people around the danger to attend and attempt to change the course of what is unfolding. 

I realize by the fact that I was very calm for hours that a real crash had occurred.  I had Bonnie come to rest in bed, where she drank a cup of rum over crushed ice, her favorite remedy.  Bonnie loved relaxing and feeling my hand on her head.  Sweet. 

Bonnie dodged a head injury.  I have not yet seen the bruises on her legs and hip.  I do not know what changes we need to make to her office to make it safer. 

A day later, Bonnie is out on the porch repotting her vegetables and flowers and enjoying a 180 degree view of the ocean.  She is as happy as she has ever been.  I wish I could find peace in the present as Bonnie seems to have found. 

/Daniel for BanD