There is good news and bad news about living in limbo.
You guessed it. The bad news is the stress that goes with our uncertainty; Even little things create dilemmas. I spent ten days not being able to think through and act on replacing our espresso machine, which sprung a leak. Should I invest in a semi-commercial espresso machine and plumb it into our rental apartment? Who knows how long we will be here? Or do we just throw another 600 dollars into a home espresso machine, the kind we routinely wear out in 15 months? I understand Hamlet's soliloquy, though I doubt that he was suffering from caffeine withdrawl and headaches when he could not make up his mind.
And the good news....
My sister asked Bonnie how she was doing when we picked her up on her furlough last week. Bonnie replied, "We will know much more in three weeks about which way I am headed. In the meantime, I am alive and I intend to enjoy my life now." And off we went to have lobster salad overlooking the ocean.
This IS the good news.
We are uncertain, but then again we are clear that we are uncertain about our lives and oddly, that is a blessing.
I can hardly express how worn and somehow sensative I find myself now. I can do the laundry and care for the house. I can grab an espresso at the Starbucks by the hospital. But I miss having Bonnie in my bed. I can not sleep at night.
My sisters visit and our conversations simply touched me. I find it hard to return calls to friends when I am not up to being cheerful and optimistic much of the time. When I can manage some conversation, I discover again that it is wonderful to talk to folks and hear THEIR news. I am tired of our story now.
Jackson brought his dad over for the World Cup soccer match today and he was amazing as he ran around with his soccer ball here and there. He kicks his soccer ball, and chases it down. Then sits on the couch mimicing his dad, watching the game and making loud noises during the video replay of a goal. Then he walks around and pretends to talk on Ryan's cellphone and typing on our keyboard.
Of course Jackson had to stand up on the new professional soccer ball I bought for him, while holding on to the couch and turning around to see if I was watching. As I watched him begin his climb up onto the soccer ball, I calculated if he was far enough away from the coffee table to avoid stitches when he came tumbling down, like I used to do when his mom did the same kinds of tricks. He was safe enough I calculated, so there was no reason to stop him from learning the nature of standing on a soccer ball.
Of course, within a minute the ball squirted out from under him and he did a semi-sommersalt hitting the carpet with a thud. He caught his breath, whimpered once, collected himself and looked at me as if I might give him a yellow card. I shrugged my shoulders and said "Play on" and so he did. I am now sure that he was not switched at birth.
I find myself so in love with Jackson. We went off for a shower together, so his Dad could watch his beloved World Cup in peace. Ryan continues to play soccer at a very high level on the Harvard Medical School team as he did on the UC Berkeley team. Ryan is a striker, with amazing speed, skill and heart. Debrah married well.
Jack loved playing with the ducky in the shower and putting the duck's yellow rain slicker hat on the ducky's head. What a precious bundle of life Jack is in my arms. He trusts me, except when I get his hair wet.
So there you have it. A day in the life.
I will go pick Bonnie up at the hospital tomorrow for a daytrip to Newburyport MA, where the clipper ships were built.
We are now at day 33 of Bonnie's fourth round of induction chemotherapy. Dear God, please remove the Leukemia from her bone marrow and see her safely through the next round, the Bone Marrow Transplant and 200 days of balancing the graft vs. host issues.
/Daniel for BanD
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