It’s a sunny 42 degrees in Boston today. This the first birthday I’ve spent in the north since 1989 (last year we were in North Carolina). I can remember many years of birthdays through the 1960s, 70’s and late 80’s when January 20th would be a snow day. I’d often be off work and could spend the day by the fire looking out at mounds of snow. But this year it’s been as if the warmth has lingered along with my health. The calendar says that we should have mounds of snow now, just as my prognosis in October indicates I should be hospital bound and very sick. And here we are the sun and I, both bright and shining.
On days like this I remember how my mother used to call me to get out of bed: “Rise and Shine, Bonnie Jean.” I didn’t know until coming to seminary that she was quoting Isaiah:
19The sun shall no longer be will be your everlasting light,
your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon
give light to you by night;*
but the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
20Your sun shall no more go down,
or your moon withdraw itself;
for the Lord
and your days of mourning shall be ended.
I didn’t know until coming to seminary that she was quoting Isaiah (I'm sure she never knew):
60Arise, shine; for your light has come, has risen upon you.
and the glory of the Lord
Last night, as many of you know, was a startling and wonderful time for me: an amazing surprise birthday party.
And it was a surprise. When friends around here would ask what they could do for me, I’d ask them to get Daniel out more, for example with lunch in the refectory. So, it wasn’t surprising when Sue Crommelin invited him to lunch; nor was it surprising to learn that at lunch he had been recruited by BK Hipster and others to provide the music for the end of term party. It never occurred to me as unusual that he was moving large pieces of his stereo system down to the refectory. And when he said that BK was asking if I could do the videography task for the party, that too seemed natural. I thought it was a great task for me because I could be at the party and see people, but behind the camcorder in Bud Lassiter fashion so I wouldn’t be tempted to touch or be touched by people. When Ryan and Jackson showed up at our house just when we were leaving to go to the refectory, I was sorry that I’d made a commitment that kept me from dwelling with them before going to the party. Then Daniel resolved my dissonance by inviting them to go with us,
The room was decorated with helium filled balloons. I should have known that Daniel had more to do with that party than the music. When I saw a big sign that said happy birthday, I thought that someone (else) was having a birthday. Suddenly fifty smiling faces were singing happy birthday to me. I was embarrassed. Obviously Daniel, who had gotten there before me, had told the assembled crowd that my birthday was the next day. I still didn’t get what was happening. After getting over my embarrassment, I started to set up my tripod. It took more than a few people explaining to me that THIS PARTY WAS MY BIRTHDAY PARTY for me to realize that this was my party.
4Lift up your eyes and look around;
they all gather together, they come to you;
your sons shall come from far away,
and your daughters shall be carried on their nurses’ arms.
5Then you shall see and be radiant;
your heart shall thrill and rejoice,*
because the abundance of the sea shall be brought to you,
the wealth of the nations shall come to you.
What a party. Over the last weeks, I’ve deliberately isolated myself here, probably more than I’ve needed to. Seeing people on campus gave me such joy; it was like I was seeing people that I loved and had not seen for a very long time. My son had been here from California during the week, and the joy of being with a loved one whom I see too seldom was already quite close to my spirit. The feeling of abundance that was literally overwhelming to me. Debrah came in. More and more friends came in. And then through Daniel’s technology magic, people started coming in virtually.
Laura Brisbee, who was Interval Research Inc.’s librarian and photographer par excellence, had taken time away from her new mother and IDC responsibilities to put together a slide show of pictures of Daniel and me at Interval. I really thought I was going to cry when I saw the Fortune Magazine picture of the cartoon house. Daniel was telling the assembled crowd about the people in the pictures. He had just pointed out Rob Tow’s picture, and talked about “that smart guy,” when another picture of Rob pops up in the middle of the screen. He and Brenda were calling in. [Talk about magic!] I was not prepared for all that was beginning to happen. For the rest of the evening, people were calling in by phone conference or computer.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU for calling in, for sending email, and for thinking of me. Thank you, Terri for setting up the conference bridge. Please know that I didn’t have much to say because I was just overwhelmed with the love I was feeling all around me, both geographically and virtually.
Overwhelmed with love is exactly the feeling. During the party, I could feel that little shyness, that little me, that holds back and is unable to accept love. I could feel a “pull back” quite distinctly as I looked around the room and talked with my friends on the conference bridge.
And then it happened. I actually felt the love. Like a big benevolent ocean wave pouring over me and overcoming me so that my little self couldn’t move or resist. I felt all that abundant love coming right through me and washing me out with the sheer acceptance of it. I’ve always wanted to be able to let go and just be with that love. And there it was.
I had two birthday cakes; they said something like this: Happy 40th anniversary … of your 22nd Birthday. I felt that I am indeed for the first time CELEBRATING the anniversary of my 22nd birthday. My father died when I was 22. He was 62. He retired from Exxon the year I went to college. My mother was furious with him for retiring when they had private college tuition to pay. He was 58. Yet, when he died only a few years later, we were all glad that he had those years to work in the church and in politics, to do just what he wanted, and to become so beloved a person. For thirty six years I lived the story that I should retire at 58 just in case I too died at 62. When I had to retire at 58 after my first bout of leukemia, I wasn’t surprised. My sister had a brain aneurism at 58. Though she was not expected to awake from her coma, her husband would not let her go. Her church had people praying around the clock for her. And wake she did. She regained her four syllable words and her lavish handwriting. She traveled around the world. As much as she was loved, I don’t believe that she ever felt how much she was loved by others. I hoped that her recovery from the coma would be a new birth in love for her, and that she would have the feeling of being loved she had missed all her life. I could see that she never lacked love, but that she lacked the capacity to feel that love. When she died at 62, I wondered if she might have lived on had she only been able to feel how much we loved her.
Arriving at 62 would have been a fateful time for me even if my leukemia had not relapsed. For all my anticipation of this birthday I never expected to get the greatest gift imaginable: the gift of love, given and received.
I am graced with a husband who loves me beyond belief. It has taken me almost twenty years to fathom the depths of his love, even though you see it clearly. Daniel crafted a wonderful stage so that I could not escape getting the message of how loved I am by you. For this I am grateful beyond bounds for him and for you.
It is now the night of my birthday. I’ve just spoken to Zachary and Jennifer and my heart is full to the brink. God is a vast ocean of love.
19The sun shall no longer be will be your everlasting light,
your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon
give light to you by night;*
but the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
20Your sun shall no more go down,
or your moon withdraw itself;
for the Lord
and your days of mourning shall be ended.
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