I am happy to report that the physical pain in my hips is down to 0 - 3 on the pain scale. Being free of disabling pain makes a significant difference in my sense of my body, health and what is possible to get done in any given day.
And after 3 months of grief, I am beginning to find some relief.
With the whole world of music now accessible, I rediscovered "Had to Cry Today" as performed by Blind Faith. The song is currently UP for me.
Curiously, grief is transforming me: Grace is a possibility again. I have experienced joy in my music and in my everyday life.
Last week I read a note from Bonnie to my psychiatrist. When I got to the word 'best' I simply broke down. Here was the catalyst. "Daniel, Love does not die. Love only grows. I am not gone. I am only displaced, and I can hear you, I can feel you and I can receive love. You have always been great at giving it, in fact the very best."
I cried for 5 or 7 minutes, from deep within my body. There was so much pressure to cry - like it was backed up. After several minutes of sobbing I brought myself under control, but Louis said "let it go". I cried for another 5 - 7 minutes. Louis described my cries as coming from deep in my bones, as if from the marrow itself.
I think the 5 year anniversary of Bonnie's Bone Marrow Transplant and her years of miraculous recovery reminded me to look at how close we came to having a normal life again: Bonnie's Chronic Graft vs. Host Disease was steadily waning. Dana Farber and Stanford agree that if a patient reaches the 5 year post-transplant milestone his chances of survival return to near normal levels.
Bonnie doses of her immune suppressing steroid, Prednisone, had been reduced from insanely high dosages of 180 mgs every day - to 120 mgs, 90, 50, then 40, then 20 mgs. In recent months we had her Prednisone down to 10 mgs every other day. She was gaining leg strength.
The finish line to the Bone Marrow Transplant Marathon was within sight. We were so close. Now when I see her phone, her laptop and especially her picture, I am reminded that she is missing here.
With this in my background I have been listening to another performance of "Had to Cry Today" by Steve Winwood and Eric Clapton.
It helps me transform grief to remembrance and grace.
What does this poem and music do for you?
" Had to Cry Today "
"It’s already written that today will be one to remember
The feeling's the same as being outside of the law
Had to cry today
Well, I saw your sign and I missed you there
I’m taking the chance to see the wind in your eyes while I listen
I say I can’t reach you but I want every word to be free
Had to cry today
Well, I saw your sign and I missed you there
And I missed you there
Had to cry today ..."
Songwriters: STEVE WINWOOD
In listening I find my grief is transforming. I see Bonnie’s signs and now find an invitation to be with Bonnie's loving gaze and her grace.
I am steeping myself in Bonnie's love and grace. I am in much less physical and emotional pain. There is a Sea of Joy in Bonnie's eyes.
The Sea of Joy clip above presents Eric Clapton, Steve Winwood, Ginger Baker and Rick Grech in 1969 performing on the day the Man Landed on the Moon. Daniel
Comments